If you ever think you did something embarrassing just remember that I had a really hot waiter one time and i was gonna order double pepperoni pizza but I looked him dead in the eye and accidentally asked for double penetration pizza in front of my whole family
Stop reblogging my failure
bisexual people aren’t more likely to cheat in relationships but we are more likely to cheat at cards, while lesbians are most likely to cheat at jenga, and genderqueer people often cheat at mario kart
how the fuck do you cheat at jenga
ask a lesbian
this is never not funny
How is Kim truly my friend in this game? Making me pay to take the buses and planes everywhere, I’m shaking trees and touching pigeons for some extra $$, only contacts me to promote damn ““‘Kardash”“” when I got my own store to take care of but never want to waste my energy in??? She is so fake at least Willow Pape is upfront and REAL smh
"My family made me come. But I hate it. I can’t get a job because I have a lot of accent. I was an assistant manager at a big jewelry store in the Dominican Republic, now I clean tables. We had a big house there. Now we live in a small apartment. If I was home right now, I’d be in a very nice restaurant, on the beach, laughing with my friends. Not sitting alone on a bench, trying to learn English. There I was a princess. Here I am an immigrant. A servant."
There’s a very drunk man down my street who has been flirting with a tree for twenty minutes now.
He’s on his knees now. I think he’s proposing.
Drunk man currently walking away from the tree, shouting “YOU’RE ALL THE SAME”.
I would like to thank my arms, for always being by side. My legs, for always supporting me, and my fingers…because I can always count on them.
this will be my speech when i win an oscar
Don’t forget the hips, for not lying.